Eric Pankey Outtakes from The Newlywed Game

In the crowd around the victim, she is the one who admonishes: Give this poor person room to breathe. He prefers a tender touch to an apology. She thinks he is the one who should apologize. They first met, he says, because he sensed the gaze of an unknown viewer. They met, she says, because she had always wanted to be a contestant on The Newlywed Game. Instead of scaring the crows, she reports, once he tried to make them feel at home; the crows left in a huff, nonetheless, over his inept hospitality. She insists that none of the resurrection sightings are authentic, but are a manifestation of a group hallucination that moved like a contagion among Jesus’ followers in their grief. Fair enough, he responds, noting in his daybook yet another non sequitur on her part. Regarding making woopie, she compares it to an algorithm that collapses into randomness. He compares it to the water’s surface: fugitive, ethereal, a depth without reflection. She shakes her head no and says, you mean it is like a fog illumined from within, aglow yet opaque. Yeah, he says. What she said.

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